3 Simple Steps to Moving On
Six and a half years ago, I walked away from a nearly six year relationship with my son's father. It was perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to do in thirty-five years of life primarily because I never saw myself as a single mother. As a product of parents vastly approaching forty years of marriage, I aspired to give my son a happy home with two loving
parents, so when God commanded me to leave, I was terrified! Where would we go? How would I provide for him in the way he deserved? Would I ever grow to love another man? I remember crying the entire night of mine and my son's last day in the only home he had ever known. Mourning the relationship I had. Mourning the home I was building for my son. Afraid of the unknowns that laid ahead; but as the sun begun to peek through the clear skies, I prayed to God to give me the strength needed to follow his command. I then packed up as much of our things as possible, loaded up my 2002 Mitsubishi Montero Sport and drove away from the life I would never live again.
Over the years I have been asked how I was able to move on from that relationship and into a space that allowed me to have healthy romantic relationships. If you are interested in learning the simple three steps I used to move one, just keep reading!
#1. It Was Just for A Season
I entered into my relationship a young-tailed
and bushy-eyed 23 year old. Back then, I
thought the only thing that mattered before
stepping into a relationship was attraction,
family background, ambition and chemistry.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Boy and
girl like each other. Boy and girl have fun
together. Boy and girl become bae'd. Oh
how cute it is to be naive! As mentioned in
the article, 'Girl, I think I Found The One,' the
sustainability of a long-lasting, healthy relationship, rests on a several factors. In the event that your relationship comes to a screeching halt, for whatever the reason, it's important to know that sometimes, relationships just don't workout. Do not make excuses for yours nor your ex's role in the demise of the relationship. Take it at face value. This relationship ended, because of..... PERIODT! The top three reasons a relationship ends is lack of respect, breakdowns in communication, and finances. You might be wondering why I didn't mention trust, check out my video on knowing when you have found the one. It is only when you come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over, that you can begin to take the steps towards uncovering the rooted issues behind the why, and work to uncover what was learned in this season of your life and how the learned lessons can be applied to your future.
#2. The Takeaways
So let's say your car "randomly" catches on fire one day. Your engine blows up and you learn that the damage is beyond repair. While at the body shop, the mechanic notices that the little service sticker on the top left corner of your windshield shows that you are fourteen months overdue for an oil change. In this instance, was the engine fire a random, unpreventable occurrence or could it have been prevented if you changed your oil seven thousand miles prior to the incident? While it's simple to blame the mechanical failure on the vehicle, failing to take accountability in this situation would likely lead you to continue to make the same mistake in the future. Perhaps you didn't realize an oil change was needed because your maintenance light failed to come on. In this instance, your car failed you just as much as you failed it.
I used this metaphor because it actually happened to me many many years ago before I knew what an oil change was. Sure my maintenance light failed me, but I too held blame in what happened. Remember, it takes two baby! Like in the case of my car, after the demise of any relationship, recognizing your role in the breakup will allow you to heal in such a way that promotes emotional growth and development. Rather than point the finger, figure out what you might have done to get you into the space you are currently in. Participating in activities such as journaling, meditation, or mindfulness therapy are great ways to allow you to turn your perceived failure into a prosperous future.
#3. Allow Yourself Time to Heal
As women, we have the tendency to jump from one man's arms, directly into to the next, in hopes of receiving continuous praise and admiration from a love interest. As the saying goes, when one horse fails you, just jump back on the saddle. In theory, this sounds great. I mean after-all, whats the fun of living, if you have to live it alone right? The issue with this concept is that is eliminates the part where you fell off the horse and brake your tailbone. How can you ride a horse with a broken booty? Please leave a comment if you have the answer to this question because, I would love to know!
Failing to heal the broken pieces of your heart will
cause you to take the insecurities, trust issues, or
whatever other ailments of your past into future
relationships. After leaving my son's father, I spent
over one year learning who I was as a woman, a
child and a mother. This had such a remarkable
effect on my ability to move to love again,
wholeheartedly, without projecting scars onto my
new love interest. I have since taken this same
approach in any instance where I found myself
needing to heal a broken heart. I know what you're
thinking. A whole year without a man?! Yes sis.
Isn't one year of healing, working through your pain,
and rebuilding trust in yourself, and in God's plan for
your life worth a lifetime of happiness? For me, the answer was yes.
Relationships can be tricky, but know how to move on from them can be even harder than staying in the comfort of the chaos. Regardless of how difficult the transition is, just take your time to accept what happened, learn from it, and heal from it.